The Center for Science in the Public Interest recently released a list of the US Food and Drug Administration’s Top Ten Riskiest Foods.

I went to the CSPI website to check out the list. I was mainly interested in finding out where barbeque ribs ended up in the ranking. I made a promise to myself that as long as ribs weren’t in the top five, I would keep eating them.

I was also worried about red meat. I love steak. If steak didn’t end up in the top three riskiest foods, I made a vow to continue eating it, too. As I was pounding away at my keyboard, and waiting for the web pages to download, I began to wonder what other foods that I currently enjoy might end up on the government’s list of Top Ten Riskiest Foods— candy bars, fried foods, certainly bacon. I imagined bacon would be number one.

I was wrong.

10. Berries— Are you kidding me? Berries? Dangerous? It turns out that the FDA and Centers for Disease Control measure food-borne illness outbreaks, and berries made the list. If they would just spend a little time in Ponchatoula around strawberry picking time they wouldn’t have anything to worry about.

9. Sprouts— OK, I always knew that there was a risk in living as a sprout-eating vegan.

8. Tomatoes— So far, it’s all vegetables. This had me worried. If ribs, steak, and bacon weren’t in the upper half of the list, that meant that they were almost certainly in the top three and I was doomed.

7. Ice Cream— Ouch. That one hurt. I like ice cream, but not as much as my son. He will be devastated when he learns of its inclusion on the list. It’s hard to believe that the government doesn’t want us eating ice cream.

6. Cheese— I’m not surprised, though my wife and daughter are cheeseaholics. This was going to hurt them much more than it would hurt me.

5. Potatoes— Double ouch. How can potatoes be risky? Are people eating them raw? I guess the best way to make sure that potatoes are safe is to deep-fry them. A plate of French fries a day keeps the FDA away.

4. Oysters— I love oysters. I’ve been eating them all of my life. Oysters are one of the most regulated foods in existence. No problems there, at least with me.

3. Tuna— Now that’s just not fair. I love sushi. Could this be an international U.S. vs Japan thing? Maybe there talking about canned tuna. I rarely eat canned tuna. Two left, my chances for ribs, steak, and bacon seemed to be getting better

2. Eggs— Eggs have been getting a bad rap, lately. PETA and their minions sent me disparaging letters about eggs, and now the government is down on them. I don’t think it’s fair. Eggs are great. They’re good when scrambled or poached, and they are a major component in all sorts of healthy foods such as cakes, custards, and hollandaise sauce.

1. Leafy Greens— Who knew? Spinach, lettuce, arugula, all of them are the worst offenders according to the FDA and the CSPI. The next time your doctor or trainer tells you to eat more salad, tell him or her, “No thank you, I think I’ll have ribs instead. I’m staying away from leafy greens so that I can live longer.”